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In the northern room of Any Port, you will find a scoreboard. There are two more just like it in Lurleen and in Cyberspace, and each will tell you the same thing: the top-ranking players in various areas of the game, in every category from the richest to the scariest.

Using the scoreboard is very simple. read board to see the current display, and press <x> on board to change the displayed category. You can also just press on board to see a list of all the categories... Or, you could look below!

 The following buttons are available: age, asshole, breed, cash, contributor, crib, dick, discovery, fatality, fetish, fish, gay, hardcore, head, headxp, job, journal, kills, lawyer, pervert, pog, random, saint, scam, skill, stat, threat, tits, travel, trophy, and xp.

Not all of these are obvious. This handy table breaks the categories down, along with notes on how you might just end up on the big glowy board yourself.

Ranking Description
Age The oldest people in HellMOO. Age increases passively with time (assuming you don't reroll) and actively by dying and de-mutating.
Asshole This calculated off your karma, and is deliberately kept vague. See help karma.
Breed The people who have made the most babies. how is babby formed
Cash The richest people in HellMOO. Keep your nose to the grind and don't spend your money on dumb shit like solid gold toilets, and you'll end up here pretty easily.
Card Those with the largest and priciest collection of Trading Cards. Shows a breakdown of total card value, the number in mint condition, the number signed, the number which are first edition, the number which are of admins/wizards, and the number which are holographic.
Contributor This is a relic of a time when players could donate to HellMOO. Donating is no longer possible, so there are no rankings for this category.
Crib The people who have the chillest cribs. See the linked article for more information.
Dick The people with the biggest dick! Dick sized is influenced by age, fuck skill, fetish IP, and the presence of Fuck Machine.
Discovery Those who have discovered the most unique recipes. Unless there's a pwipe, you stand little chance of ending up here.
Fatality People who've completed the most fatalities (see Fighting Styles for more). Idle forever in the orphanage with fight berserk on, fatality-ing any orphan that moves, and you'll eventually get here.
Fetish This actually shows the most popular fetishes in HellMOO, rather than any player stats.
Fish People who've caught the most unique kinds of fish. Load up with a rod, some bait, your trusty fishbucket and a sense of adventure. You'll need to fish some very exotic locations.
Gay Those who never fuck another gender other than their own retain 100% gay-ness; if you deviate that number goes down.
Hardcore Those who have amassed the most XP while playing in hardcore mode (i.e. with no clone). Go hardcore and level like a madman.
Head Those who have the largest collection of heads in their noggin racks.
Headexp Those who have the greatest total XP of all the heads in their collection combined. In other words, the same as the head ranking, except you can't just gank noobs to get there.
Job Those who've completed the most jobs. Since jobs are time-locked with cooldowns, this mostly just takes time, persistence, and the ability to actually do all the jobs.
Journal Those who've completed the most journals. There's tons of these, many of them hyper-obscure and buried in corners of the gameworld that player and admin alike have forgotten. Type journal to see what you've already completed - and good luck!
Kills Same as journals, but with unique kills instead. Find lots of obscure mobs and kill them. Has nothing to do with killing in PvP, despite the name.
Lawyer Those who've gotten the most criminals off the hook in Freedom City's courts. The process is the same as doing the Shyster job; sit in the courts and plead for anything that has stars.
Pervert Those with the greatest totals of fetish IP. There are a lot of secret fetishes that come from obscure interactions and randomly-spawned magazines. Explore!
Pog Those with the biggest stack of pogs, which can be either bought in the arcade or scavenged in various places.
Random This just selects a random ranking from the list and displays it, if you've got nothing better to do.
Saint Based off your karma, which is kept deliberately vague. See help karma.
Skill Those with the highest skill totals. Be brainy and grind until you have lots of skills.
Stat Those who have the highest stats. The total caps at 1300, which is reached at 360,000 total XP, so just get 360k and you'll end up here.
Threat Those with the most threatstones. Threatstones measure how scary your character is, and are influenced by things like soaks, weapon and skill. Notoriously inaccurate; zombies end up here really easily because of their intrinsic soaks, and some odd things like exosuits have really inflated threatstone values.
Tits The same as dick, except with boobs. Also, giving birth to a baby has a chance to increase boob size. Seems to cap at 200.
Travel Those who've been to the most unique locations. See travels, and then get exploring. Just like journals, there's a ridiculous number of forgotten locales off the map. Has a glass ceiling; some zones could once be entered but are now inaccessible.
Trophy Those with the largest collection of trophies. Just like kills, except you need to coordinate gank squads and take down the big bosses.
XP The people with the highest total in XP. Get more XP to get on this board. Past 360k this gets really slow.


Some (but not all) of these listings will grant you a brag if you end up on them. If you don't have any notable rankings, you'll just say that you're "just some dude/chick" when you brag. If you've hit a ranking, however, you'll say something like:

   Sexhabe420 says, "I'm the #1 biggest dick in the world."

There are also brags that are independent of the scoreboard. These consist of skill/stat brags, granted for having the highest total in a given skill or stat out of any player in the game:

   Popeye says, "I'm the world champion of brawn."

Finally, there is a huge variety of brags available for completing difficult journals, assisting admins, and various other obscure achievements:

   DavidAllanCoe says, "I brought a ton of drugs to some guy in a trailer park."

Notes on Brags

  • Brags have zero practical functionality. They're just what they sound like: bragging, 100% cosmetic.
    • Brags are, however, regarded as an accomplishment by some of the playerbase. Building a "wall" of brags and "padding" your brags are terms you will sometimes hear in chatnet. Some players take this extremely seriously!
  • Brags are refreshed at regular intervals, not constantly updated. If you're the world champion of Sneak at 10:00, but someone else buffs up and overtakes you at 12:00 for the brag refresh and then dips back below you at 13:00, the guy who overtook you will still have the world champion brag even though you're the actual world champ.
  • Some brags, like those available for weapon skill, are subject to frequent change like in the above example and require micromanagement to retain. This is why you'll sometimes find people rending and drugging before they log off, and pointedly not playing the game to maintain their brag spots.
  • People with Enigma cannot brag normally; they will only "smile knowingly" instead. You'll still see your brags in thought bubbles, but they'll be invisible to everyone else.
  • Zombies can't brag properly at all, since they get so many intrinsic advantages when fishing for brags.
  • If you have multiple alts, your brags are attached to one character, not all of them (even if the achievement that earned you the brag is not character-specific).